My oldest daughter has A.D.D.. Let me stop you right there, were you already judging me as a parent? If you weren’t, the person who read this before you was judging me. I know this because I’m disappointed to say that due to society’s view of A.D.D., I refused to admit it. A.D.D. was always just someone’s inability to parent properly. You weren’t disciplining or giving your child a chance to mature. You weren’t respecting their individuality and you’re just putting labels on them. You know everything before you’re the one walking in the shoes of that parent.
With my head filled with this nonsense, my husband and I would struggle silently and experiment constantly with new approaches. I would vaguely admit to others, “She has a learning disability that we’re working on” and cringe every time a new doctor handed us the potential for the A.D.D. diagnosis. So many disorders that your children can be born with but A.D.D. was a sign of my failure as a parent, right? Wrong.
For years we struggled with so many behaviors that didn’t make sense to us and none of our attempts to fix them were working. People’s comments just convinced us further that it was just us and how we saw and handled situations. “She doesn’t act that way at my house.” “It’s a phase, it’ll pass.” “Are you sure you’re spending enough time with her?” “She’s just a kid, they develop at their own pace!” A.D.D. was invented by our generation of lazy, entitled, undisciplined hooligans, of course. All of these things swirled around my head like some cartoon character but my life sure didn’t feel like a cartoon. When your child has a disorder that half of the world thinks is pretend, it’s hard to not feel like it’s just you. I was so lost in emotions that I couldn’t find any answers. If I couldn’t make heads or tails of the right thing to do, how was my daughter ever going to get the help she needed?
Finally after she began school and couldn’t keep up, we started to speak with specialists. The biggest struggle was whether or not to seek medication. It’s no secret that everyone thinks we live in a society where there’s a pill for everything and with addiction so close in my family, did I really want to introduce my young child to such a thing? Did I want to put chemicals into her body before she could even read? Weighing the pros and cons along with advice from the doctor, we decided to wait. We continued to try lists all over the house, repetition, diet restrictions, positive reinforcement.
After her third year of lagging behind in school, with her younger sister surpassing her academically, we talked to her about finding a medication that could help her focus. I could see in her eyes how much she wanted to do things, she just couldn’t make them happen. It can take a long time to find the answers and the longer the struggle continues, the bigger the potential for self-esteem issues and falling further and further behind in the classroom. I didn’t want that for her. She’s such a happy child and I know there is a big and bright future out there for her. After exhausting all other options, it became clear to me that the tools for her may lie within medication.
We spent two months trying a non-stimulant to no avail, keeping a close eye on any potential mood changes, behaviors, or side effects. She will be beginning her first stimulant soon. Stressed and terrified, uncertain of any of the directions we take this in, I finally joined a support group for parents of children with ADD/ADHD.
After years of fighting with this “non-existent” disorder and the behaviors that stemmed from it, it was like I’d stepped into another world. Within minutes, I’d heard stories that were identical to ours. Frustrated parents who were at the end of their ropes with tears in their eyes, just begging to understand their children. Well-behaved, happy kids who threw angry, violent tantrums well past the “accepted” age of toddlerhood. Parents who needed to “re-set” their children after they freak out about “Purple Shirt Day” at school because they don’t own a purple shirt. Kids whose entire day could be shut down without that purple shirt.
There was an article about why children with ADD actually lie about pointless things and how to properly approach it. My husband and I were floored. The lying was one of our biggest issues, we couldn’t figure out why she would continue to lie even though she knew she wouldn’t get away with it. So many answers, so much sense being made, so much support to go around.
Now, even though we haven’t obtained all of the solutions yet for our daughter’s A.D.D., I think that we’ve finally got most of the tools to help us to help her succeed. This journey that has brought so many tears, so many moments of defeat, so many moments of questioning ourselves, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My little girl is going to thrive and spread her wings like the beautiful little butterfly she is.