To continue with the SITS writing prompts I love so much, this month begins with how I remember and honor my loved ones who have passed away. There have been many amazing people in my life to leave this world. My GG, uncle Lenny, my husband’s lovely Mémère whose delicious blueberry crisp recipe I’m constantly complimented on, and too many friends my own age, Eric, Ashley, Cristina, and most recently an old best friend and ex-boyfriend, Steve. I’ve got such fond memories of all of them and I think of them often, visiting the Facebook pages of my friends and sometimes leaving messages.

The toughest loss, though, was my Grandma. She passed away when I was 8 weeks pregnant with my oldest. My grandmother was such a…Grandma! She was so sweet and always had my sister and I, and my cousins, in mind. Our dog, Nala, came from my grandma. She’d take us to Bingo (Grandma was obsessed with Bingo!) and daub our numbers for us. Whenever I go to Bingo with my mommy now, I’ll tear up a little when she daubs the numbers I’ve missed, looking down at my now multi-colored card. Her laugh will always ring in my ears, it was so unusual and specific to her, I can’t even replicate it. Every year she’d call and sing to me on my birthday, something that my mom tries to do for my kids too.

When my grandmother passed away, I really struggled with it. I missed talking to her, I missed calling her, I missed seeing her. I was just starting to grow up, I was having a baby and she wasn’t going to be there. That was so hard for me. I actually wrote her an invitation to my baby shower with a letter inside, even though she’d passed months prior, and I just placed it next to her urn. Something about that gave me some kind of closure and I believe it’s still there, in my mom’s home, today.

My grandma’s name was Susan. Susan is a Hebrew name, meaning lily. In remembrance of my grandmother, my youngest daughter’s middle name is Lily. She’s the only one of my children with blue eyes, just like Grandma had.

This year, I finally got a tattoo that I’d planned for years in honor of my grandma. It’s a lily of the valley, nicknamed the “ladder to Heaven”. So with “Lily” and “ladder to Heaven”, I felt like it had multiple ways to connect to her. I chose to have seven flowers, the number of letters in G-R-A-N-D-M-A. The little bumblebee I incorporated into the tattoo idea a couple of years ago when we lost our baby because we referred to him/her as our bumblebee. It’s the most meaningful tattoo I have and it reminds me of my grandma every time. (And before anyone thinks, “Oh man, that generation wouldn’t have liked a tattoo much!”, my grandfather is just covered in tattoos so I imagine my grandma didn’t mind them at all!) At some point, my mom hopes to get a smaller, matching tattoo also. We’ll always miss her, she was such a good and kindhearted person.

I pray that all of my friends and family who have passed on are resting peacefully and know how much they’re missed. I will cherish the memories of each and every one.