Growing up, I so often heard my mother remark about how she was fat. Even now, sometimes the first thing she says to me when I cross through her doorway is something to the effect of, “Look how skinny you are!” We are a society obsessed with appearance and that’s not news to you, I’m sure. The media perpetuates it but it’s not their job to instill good values and self-esteem into our children, it’s ours. The home is where it all begins. How you see yourself is how they see themselves.
It is so important to mind your words in front of your children, no matter what you’re referring to. As if it were yesterday, I remember my mom applying my lipstick before a dance and telling me, “You don’t have any lips so I’ve got to try and draw some.” She never meant any harm and I don’t think even realized what a jab it was to my self-esteem. My dentist was careful in his description of my “flat face” when he was attempting to improve it but my parents elaborated for him. My family joked about how I inherited my dad’s “chicken neck”. None of it was ever intended to make me feel bad but it always cut deep and I didn’t even know it because I took it as negative facts about myself.
We are the molders and the shapers of these little minds. When they fall, they look to us to see how they should be reacting. If we look in the mirror with disgust, they will follow suit. If we emphasize their flaws, they will see them under a microscope. My dad’s solution was always that the world just needed a thicker skin. In a way, that is the answer. By building up their self-esteem, we can build them a thick skin that no societal standard or bully can break down. It starts with you.
When you look in the mirror, reflect on your positive features. If you must remark on the critiques you have for yourself, do it alone or state them in positive goal form. Goals are great and everyone should have them. You want to get in shape, it doesn’t mean you’re fat. You want to tone your tummy, it doesn’t mean you hate it. I think these are healthy comments to make, and doesn’t impress your goals upon anyone else.
The bottom line is that if your child sees you loving you, they get the cue to love them too. Your stretch marks, your “pooch”, your thighs…your child doesn’t see those. They see superwoman. And as I always say: Half of the beauty is believing it.