As I begin to experience my last firsts as a parent, I am feeling the way that every mother will someday feel when they reach that magic number of children for their family to be complete. For us, the number of children was four. As I packed away my son’s newborn clothes, a size my children would never don again, I ached a little inside and began to think about all of the things that I will miss that are now or soon will be in the past…

Pregnancy
I know that a lot of women really don’t like being pregnant but I had wonderful pregnancies and I really did love being pregnant. Secretly, I loved trying to decide if there was a second line on my dollar store pregnancy test even at the times when I wasn’t exactly planning for there to be. Seeing the look on my husband’s face every time I showed him the tests, even those unplanned tests, was always so reassuring like he knew that everything was going to be just fine. Hearing that thump-thump of a heartbeat pounding away was music to my ears. Every. Single. Time. Especially after our loss, waiting to hear the heartbeat did fill me with anxiety but it once I was able to hear it with my Doppler at home on a regular basis, I was so relieved and thrilled. The kicks were always so alien to me, the idea that a little person was kicking me from the inside was the oddest thought, but it always made me smile. I’ll definitely miss the game of poking my babies and having them kick me back.

Labor/Birth
If I didn’t lose half of you on that last one, I’m sure I’ve lost most of you now, right? I know, it’s not something you hear often but I really do love labor and birth. My first labor/birth was a little hazy (hooray for Ambien hallucinations!) and it didn’t give me that same fuzzy feeling the others did but my other three left me with such a euphoric feeling. That closeness I felt when my partner was supporting me made me see him a completely different light, like it was us together as one and we could do anything. It was almost romantic. I’m not saying that my dream date is a labor or anything but nothing has made me feel closer to my husband than the moments when we worked together to bring lives into the world. His comforting touch, his encouraging words, his confidence in me and his will to do anything in the world for me that I needed from him during those magical but intense moments.

(This hilarious look he’s giving me during labor with our son was amidst joking and comfort, I assure you! Lol!)

Another moment that is like no other is the moment that this new life that you have created enters the world. In the physical sense, the feeling of relief is fantastic. Once the baby is in the lowest position, the feeling of something heavy lodged in your pelvis is fierce and when it (aka he or she!) finally emerges, oh the satisfaction! Of course, I meant more of the emotional feeling that you have when that baby enters the world. Finally after nine months, I get to meet this adorable little squishy version of myself and my husband. I can look into its teeny little eyes and caress its itty bitty hands. Oh yes, I can’t think of a single moment in the world that is more amazing, surreal, and phenomenal than that one.

The First Year/Milestones
No matter how many babies I had, somehow certain milestones always triggered tear-filled eyes with each one. Every milestone fills me both with pride in my baby and sadness at the realization that they are getting older. Rolling over, sitting up, first foods, crawling, standing, all bring such mixed emotions. Even now as my two year old transitioned to a regular drinking cup, I find myself feeling a little down that my littlest girl is becoming a big girl.
Walking, though, walking is my weak spot. Walking seems like the milestone. The one that is a real and true sign that your baby is not going to be a baby for much longer. My older three children walked at 12, 11, and 9 months respectively and I was so delighted to help them learn, so thrilled to see those tiny feet actually move them from me to Daddy, from Daddy to me. But I was a mess every time! As soon as they took those first steps, their entire future lives flashed before my eyes. I could see them walk onto the school bus for the first time, I could see them walking at graduation, I could see them walking down the aisle. Those first steps will always be a moment to miss, the steps that precede all other steps, the steps that take them everywhere they’re going to go in life.

Having all of my children old enough to ride rollercoasters with me may sound like an odd thing to anxiously await, but a lot of my time spent bonding with my parents as a kid was waiting in long lines for fun rides and then enjoying the rides together. I am a big amusement park fanatic and I really hope to share that with my kids as they get older.

Watching ballet recitals, cheering on their sports teams, looking at colleges, there are so many moments to anticipate. There will be nothing quite like the day they dress up for their first prom or dance with their Daddy or me on their wedding days. I am eager for the first sleepover, Girl/Boy Scout camping trip, dare I say maybe even the first crush? The distant future, once the teenage angst passes and we become best friends, calling each other almost every day to share in the goings on of our lives.

As they grow, they develop so much of themselves and the memories we form are becoming ours instead of mine. When we sing songs together in the car, they may remember that. The tickle fights, games of hide and seek, and the family vacations could all be something they look fondly back on someday.

The chapter of having new babies may be finished but the rest of our lives together holds so much promise. Moving on to the next chapter may be bittersweet, but as I look fondly back the memories, creating more is something I can look forward to.