I’ve written a post similar to this before but the closer I get to the to time I usually get pregnant again, the more I feel the need to reiterate against the pressing questions about future babies.

This month my husband and I went to a party and we got the infamous, “Are you done?” question that comes when people discover that we have more than the average 2.5 kids. My husband, without missing a beat, practically shouted, “Yes!” Before I could answer, the asker said, “She hesitated, you’re in for more!” She was right, I did hesitate.

In that split second of hesitation, this portion of my life flashed through my mind like bolts of lightning flickering. Beautiful and jolting, all at once. There were so many memories.

I saw two pink lines, or at least one line and the faintest second line, trying to decide if it was really there or if my eyes were playing tricks on me. I never could keep it to myself very long and I always ran out to tell Daddy. The emotions that followed will be a mix of feelings I’ll never have again and I hesitated for them, it’s true that I will miss them.

I remembered the time I announced my pregnancy to my mom by putting it on a Christmas ornament and waiting until my parents found it on our tree. The way they hugged and congratulated us, it just made for a nice sentimental Christmas dinner. Or when I announced the first grandson after deliberately misinforming my mom about the date we’d find out. Then sent a gorgeous “It’s a Boy!” floral arrangement to her office, complete with the name of her soon-to-be grandson. I do love any excuse to send my mom flowers because she’s such an awesome lady, but I knew she’d be excited.

The first butterfly flutters where it almost tickles when your baby makes their presence known and then the real kicks where I’d poke them and they would run away but every time, for a brief moment, I’d think “Alien!” unintentionally. It was so odd to have a little human inside me, pushing my belly all over the place, but also so magical. I loved watching my tummy progress week after week, going from relatively flat to smuggling a basketball. That first time I heard my babies’ heartbeats, it was so real. The speedy thump-thump-thump I knew wasn’t my own, there was a tiny heart beating inside of me. All of those moments and feelings whizzed by in my mind.

I hesitated for the “this is it, we’re having a baby” moment in labor, the closeness and support my husband gives that makes me feel closer to him than ever in my life. We’re the only two people in the world and here we are, he’s holding my hand and relaxing me while our little one enters the world. The relief when the baby finally pops out and makes their first sounds and cries, meeting this little stranger that’s lived inside my body for the last nine months, these moments I won’t have again.

I recalled the first smiles… I don’t care if it’s gas, they just look so sweet. The first time they have a big belly laugh at something so insignificant but it always made me laugh so hard to watch them cracking up over it, and when they are finally ticklish! Watching my husband gently rock them to sleep and the satisfaction he got from feeling so needed by his babies always tickled my heart. The milestones were always such a celebration tinged with just a bit of sadness for the reality that with each passing day, my baby was growing up. The first foods, first words, first steps, and first day of school, knowing that all of those firsts will be the last firsts for each child. Soon, they’d grow into the first proms, first dates, first days of college.

In that small moment of hesitation, I grieved for those moments. They’re all just memories and pictures now, maybe some video. While it’s hard to say goodbye to doing them all over again with a new bundle of joy, there will be new memories every day and I rejoice in this knowledge.

So to the lady at the party and anyone else who confuses my hesitation with a desire for more children, please just understand that I can be completely accepting that something is not going to happen again but still long for the moments. If anything, I would love to re-live those exact moments with the children that I already have. As I enjoy my son’s last firsts in my life, I cry as I smile and envision the future memories that we’ll make together and beginning the next chapters of our family and lives with our children.