My cat was meowing loudly, as one often does at one in the morning when most of the house is sleeping soundly. He’s not a cat in many aspects of personality, but this is one area in which he strives for catness. He was standing next to my husband’s snoring head, so I picked him up and laid him on my chest. It was at this snuggly moment, I realized something.
I looked over to my precious daughter sleeping beside me and realized that I will never have this moment again. Now don’t you misunderstand, I’ve done this five times, which is more than most people, and I am in no way saying I want to do it again… but it just makes me realize how fast these moments are flying by. My littlest baby was never really a fan of laying on my chest. I was able to do it for the first month maybe, and then after that, she would fuss. That was one of my favorite things about when they’re this tiny. Every time we move her up a size in diapers or clothing, it’s so sudden. I didn’t know today would be the last time she would wear that beautiful yellow tank top onesie with the lemon skirt, it just was.
The last time I breastfed any of them, I couldn’t tell you when it was or what they were wearing. I don’t know if they did that acrobat thing where they rested a leg on my neck or nursed in a downward-dog position. Maybe some people plan it out. “Tuesday will be the last day I ever nurse. We’ll take pictures and video. I’ll document it in a journal and then save some of the milk in a thimble.” I don’t know what people do. Maybe breastmilk art, I think that’s a thing.
My last baby lies here lightly snoring next to me and I’m thinking when was the last time I could even hold my eight-and-a-half-year old. She’s been nearly as tall as me for so long now. I look at pictures of her when she’s two and I can’t believe my eyes, her cheeks still puffy from the baby fat and her tiny smile. Now, she’s embraced her “ham” side and she’ll pose for every picture with a peace sign or hands on her hips. I can feel that soon enough she’ll be “too cool” for pictures at all.
My son and second youngest daughter give me random kisses and tell me they love me so sporadically. I hope it won’t ever stop but one day, they might just think they’re too big for it and I’ll never see it coming. The last big sloppy kiss on my knee with those big eyes looking up at me, I’ll never even know it.
Sure, we’ll still be doing things together but something tells me that no other age will be as involved as these early years. My mom tells me that her and I used to hug and kiss all the time when I was little but one day it just stopped. Now we just embrace if there’s been a tragedy or someone’s upset, when did it change?
I guess I’m thinking all of this “out loud” to tell you, the new moms, to try and savor these little moments. They’re only little once and you can’t get those years back. They can only fit in the palm of your hand for so long, then they’re too big to toss into the air (my kids love that with Daddy) and put on your knee, then you can’t even lift them up anymore. One day when you’re stressed out or haven’t been able to get a single thing done, just hold them, kiss their head, and take a mental picture of this moment right here. Also, tell them they should never be too old to snuggle with mama.
